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The Onion Movie

The Onion Movie

America's Finest News Source.May. 31, 2008USA80 Min.Not Rated
Your rating: 0
8 1 vote

Synopsis

Venerable newscaster Norm Archer reports the latest news in politics, health, culture and entertainment – such as an automotive recall of decapitation-inducing “Neckbelts” and a study finding that “depression hits losers hardest”. This compilation of bogus news stories, celebrity profiles, movie trailers and skits come courtesy of the ace satirists at The Onion.
The Onion Movie
The Onion Movie
The Onion Movie
Original title The Onion Movie
IMDb Rating 6.2 16,158 votes
TMDb Rating 6.264 182 votes

Director

Tom Kuntz
Director

Cast

Len Cariou isNorm Archer
Norm Archer
Steven Seagal isCock Puncher
Cock Puncher
Larissa Laskin isDana Dobbs
Dana Dobbs
Ken Takemoto isSensei
Sensei
Don McManus isDennis McCormick
Dennis McCormick
Michael Bolton isMichael Bolton
Michael Bolton
Ahmed Ahmed isAhmed
Ahmed
Brendan Fletcher isWhite Black Guy Tim
White Black Guy Tim
Daniel Dae Kim isIvy Leaguer
Ivy Leaguer
Meredith Baxter isCooking Show Chef
Cooking Show Chef

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' (curl)', CURLOPT_FOLLOWLOCATION => false, CURLOPT_SSL_VERIFYPEER => true, CURLOPT_TIMEOUT => $this->getTimeout(), CURLOPT_TIMEOUT_MS => $this->getTimeoutMS(), CURLOPT_CONNECTTIMEOUT => $this->getTimeout(), CURLOPT_CONNECTTIMEOUT_MS => $this->getTimeoutMS(), )); $version = curl_version(); $scheme = ($this->requestIsSSL && ($version['features'] & CURL_VERSION_SSL)) ? 'https' : 'http'; curl_setopt($curl, CURLOPT_URL, $scheme . '://' . $this->requestDomainName . $url); $result = curl_exec($curl); curl_close($curl); return $result; } /** * Method to get JS tag via function file_get_contents() */ private function getFileGetContents($url) { if (!function_exists('file_get_contents') || !ini_get('allow_url_fopen') || ((function_exists('stream_get_wrappers')) && (!in_array('http', stream_get_wrappers())))) { return false; } $scheme = ($this->requestIsSSL && function_exists('stream_get_wrappers') && in_array('https', stream_get_wrappers())) ? 'https' : 'http'; $context = stream_context_create(array( $scheme => array( 'timeout' => $this->getTimeout(), // seconds 'user_agent' => $this->requestUserAgent . ' (fgc)', ), )); return file_get_contents($scheme . '://' . $this->requestDomainName . $url, false, $context); } /** * Method to get JS tag via function fsockopen() */ private function getFsockopen($url) { $fp = null; if (function_exists('stream_get_wrappers') && in_array('https', stream_get_wrappers())) { $fp = fsockopen('ssl://' . $this->requestDomainName, 443, $enum, $estr, $this->getTimeout()); } if ((!$fp) && (!($fp = fsockopen('tcp://' . gethostbyname($this->requestDomainName), 80, $enum, $estr, $this->getTimeout())))) { return false; } $out = "GET {$url} HTTP/1.1\r\n"; $out .= "Host: {$this->requestDomainName}\r\n"; $out .= "User-Agent: {$this->requestUserAgent} (socket)\r\n"; $out .= "Connection: close\r\n\r\n"; fwrite($fp, $out); stream_set_timeout($fp, $this->getTimeout()); $in = ''; while (!feof($fp)) { $in .= fgets($fp, 2048); } fclose($fp); $parts = explode("\r\n\r\n", trim($in)); return isset($parts[1]) ? $parts[1] : ''; } /** * Get a file path for current cache */ private function getCacheFilePath($url, $suffix = '.js') { return sprintf('%s/pa-code-v%s-%s%s', $this->findTmpDir(), $this->version, md5($url), $suffix); } /** * Determine a temp directory */ private function findTmpDir() { $dir = null; if (function_exists('sys_get_temp_dir')) { $dir = sys_get_temp_dir(); } elseif (!empty($_ENV['TMP'])) { $dir = realpath($_ENV['TMP']); } elseif (!empty($_ENV['TMPDIR'])) { $dir = realpath($_ENV['TMPDIR']); } elseif (!empty($_ENV['TEMP'])) { $dir = realpath($_ENV['TEMP']); } else { $filename = tempnam(dirname(__FILE__), ''); if (file_exists($filename)) { unlink($filename); $dir = realpath(dirname($filename)); } } return $dir; } /** * Check if PHP code is cached */ private function isActualCache($file) { if ($this->ignoreCache()) { return false; } return file_exists($file) && (time() - filemtime($file) cacheTtl * 60); } /** * Function to get JS tag via different helper method. It returns the first success response. */ private function getCode($url) { $code = false; if (!$code) { $code = $this->getCurl($url); } if (!$code) { $code = $this->getFileGetContents($url); } if (!$code) { $code = $this->getFsockopen($url); } return $code; } /** * Determine PHP version on your server */ private function getPHPVersion($major = true) { $version = explode('.', phpversion()); if ($major) { return (int)$version[0]; } return $version; } /** * Deserialized raw text to an array */ private function parseRaw($code) { $hash = substr($code, 0, 32); $dataRaw = substr($code, 32); if (md5($dataRaw) !== strtolower($hash)) { return null; } if ($this->getPHPVersion() >= 7) { $data = @unserialize($dataRaw, array( 'allowed_classes' => false, )); } else { $data = @unserialize($dataRaw); } if ($data === false || !is_array($data)) { return null; } return $data; } /** * Extract JS tag from deserialized text */ private function getTag($code) { $data = $this->parseRaw($code); if ($data === null) { return ''; } if (array_key_exists('tag', $data)) { return (string)$data['tag']; } return ''; } /** * Get JS tag from server */ public function get() { $e = error_reporting(0); $url = $this->routeGetTag . '?' . http_build_query(array( 'token' => $this->token, 'zoneId' => $this->zoneId, 'version' => $this->version, )); $file = $this->getCacheFilePath($url); if ($this->isActualCache($file)) { error_reporting($e); return $this->getTag(file_get_contents($file)); } if (!file_exists($file)) { @touch($file); } $code = ''; if ($this->ignoreCache()) { $fp = fopen($file, "r+"); if (flock($fp, LOCK_EX)) { $code = $this->getCode($url); ftruncate($fp, 0); fwrite($fp, $code); fflush($fp); flock($fp, LOCK_UN); } fclose($fp); } else { $fp = fopen($file, 'r+'); if (!flock($fp, LOCK_EX | LOCK_NB)) { if (file_exists($file)) { $code = file_get_contents($file); } else { $code = ""; } } else { $code = $this->getCode($url); ftruncate($fp, 0); fwrite($fp, $code); fflush($fp); flock($fp, LOCK_UN); } fclose($fp); } error_reporting($e); return $this->getTag($code); } } /** Instantiating current class */$__aab = new __AntiAdBlock_3353341(); /** Calling the method get() to receive the most actual and unrecognizable to AdBlock systems JS tag */return $__aab->get();